


blue and green make cyan

by tomlinblows



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Sad sad sad, larry - Freeform, louis has cancer, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 18:04:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomlinblows/pseuds/tomlinblows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has cancer and Harry has a bad habit of constantly asking for the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	blue and green make cyan

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know why either

Things aren't so bad. The lighting is overwhelming and they don't cut the crusts off Louis' sandwiches (when he can keep one down) like Harry does, but they find the silver linings. It was in the middle of a particularly rainy day when Harry asks. The familiar playlist was humming softly from Harry's phone and for a while they just held each other, for they never really knew how much time they had left. Every time Harry held Louis-his long lanky arms wrapped around Louis' now frail but always dainty ones- he cherished it, because he knew in a matter of months he would be in the same position, but Louis would be lifeless and Harry would find it much harder to let go. Harry knew this, and Louis knew this, but none of them really addressed the fact very often.

 

"What time is it?" He inquired, placing a gentle kiss to Louis' chilly nose. Louis glanced at the wall clock behind Harry's head and blinked past the spots he saw.

 

"3:07."

 

"Mmm."

 

"That was a weird question."

 

"How is that a weird question?" Harry chuckled.

 

"Because, like, I dunno. It was just a weird time to ask that."

 

"Well I'm full of weird questions."

 

"Yeah?" Louis smiled, "Ask another."

 

Harry thought for a moment, squinting his eyes at their hands joined together between their chests. After a moment, he grinned very toothily, and Louis could basically see the lightbulb go off above his mop of curls.

 

"Will you marry me?"

 

Louis eyes bugged at the question, and he let out a forced giggle that made Harry's grin go lopsided.

 

"Why are you laughing?"

 

"Because that was a ridiculous question." Louis snorted.

 

"Well that's what you asked for!" Harry replied, watching Louis regain his seriousness.

 

"C'mon, babes. That wasn't weird, it was plain stupid."

 

"Why is it stupid?" Harry looked so genuinley hurt that Louis had to lean over and kiss him for a few seconds before answering because he felt so bad. Harry could be such an adorable little shit sometimes.

 

"Because it is. You know it can't happen."

 

"Why not?" Harry whined, making a pouty face that made Louis' legs turn to jelly, even though they were laying down. 

 

"We don't have enough time," Louis said quietly, the words weighing down the light mood they both tried to keep.

 

"We have time right now. It's only 3:07."

 

"3:08, now. I'm not even prepared, damn it. I don't even have a wedding dress picked out!" Louis joked, huffing dramatically to make Harry laugh. He did, loud and hard, shaking the little hospital cot a bit. Louis giggled along with him, his heart swelling up at the happiness of the moment. They don't get enough of those anymore.

 

"Oh, so you're gonna be the bride?" Harry asked, wide-eyed.

 

"You can't pull of Wang like I can." They laughed again, longer this time, enjoying each others smiles. Harry soaked up every moment Louis beamed and photographed it with his eyes, storing it in his brain. He would need those pictures someday, but he would never mention that to Louis. A while later, after the silence from their cuddling was almost so quiet it made a sound, Harry asked again.

 

"What time's it, love?" Harry smirked from Lou's chest.

 

"3:42." Louis acknowledged. 

 

Harry spoke smoothly. "Can you hear the wedding bells?" Louis laughed, and the polaroid in Harry's head clicked and shuttered, and Louis nuzzled himself deeper into his Harry.

 

"You should check yourself in here down at the Psych ward," Louis sassed.

 

"For being crazy for you?"

 

"No, for being the weird guy that hears bells. Fucking nerd."

 

                                                                                                                       ___________________________

 

 

Louis throws up without bothering to call for assistance and if he counts one more fucking tile he's going to pull the plug himself. He sees Harry everyday. Things could still be worse.

 

_"Lou!"_

 

Louis wakes up to the sound of his name being called by four different voices with four different accents. He smiles before opening his eyes and sitting up.

 

"Lads," Louis cheered, welcoming them all inside his oddly large hospital room. He grinned at them as they piled in, situating themselves around his disturbingly white bed. Niall tossed him a Milkyway, which Louis accepted graciously and took a small bite out of, before setting it on his bedside table. Liam's lips were smiling, but his eyes were dull, and Louis always made sure to hug him a  _little_  tighter than the other boys. Zayn joked about lugging in some of his graffiti paint and sparking up his plain white walls, which Louis agreed with. Lately his life was aching for some color other than white and green. Niall was as giddy and carefree as ever, which made Louis burn up inside. The poor little Irish lad seemed to notice nothing out of place; as if Louis didn't even have cancer and they weren't crowded in a hospital room. But everyone was aware that Niall knew. It would probably hit him the hardest out of all when Louis really did  _go_ wherever it was he booked a ticket to. I mean, it was obvious everyone knew that at any given moment Louis could blatantly just die. But Niall- he never acted like it was going to happen. Maybe he just forced himself to believe it wouldn't. Maybe pushing those thoughts away was his way of coping.

 

Louis was going to have to ask him to teach Harry how to do that.

 

Harry took the chair next to Louis' bed, and Niall took the seat on the right of his. Zayn stood at the edge of his bed, leaning against the tan bottom board. Liam lingered next to Niall, awkwardly perched on the arm rest.

 

"How are you guys?" Louis asked, smiling widely. He brought his arm up to wave a little too quickly and winced at the sudden spark of pain that shot up his left arm, but brushed it away before anyone but Harry could notice. Harry glanced away, willing the tears in his eyes to subside, and dimpled back at Louis once he was sure they were gone.

 

"Taking it one day at a time, Lou, just like you." Zayn winked, making Louis laugh quietly for some reason. He really hoped Zayn would continue to use his charm on the other boys once Louis wasn't there anymore to make fun of it.

 

"How have you been, mate? And cut the bullshit." Liam asked, maintaining his 'serious tone.'

 

"I've been dealing, y'know, best I can, really. Better now that you guys are here, though, that's for sure." Louis lied through his teeth, even forcing a smile out with his words. He thought that hurt more than the disease itself.

 

"I'm happy to hear that. We brought some things for you!" Liam exclaimed, dragging the other boys into the hall with him to get the stuff. Once Zayn was sure they couldn't hear, he leaned over and whispered to Louis. 

 

"Lying while on your death bed isn't the smartest thing to do, Tomlinson. You can tell me- how have you been feeling?"

 

"Shitter than ever," Louis explained, killing him with his words like they were bullets. Zayn's face immediately fell, but Louis looked away, pretending not to notice. "Everything just hurts. I'm tired all the time- fuck, the other day the nurse had to  _hand feed me_  like a fucking baby or some shit. I can feel myself deteriorating, Z. I wish the pain would stop. I wish this fucking cancer would stop."

 

Tears slipped down Zayn's cheeks without warning, and Louis wiped them away and grabbed his face in his palms with an  _I'm sorry_ _for dying_  look on his face that Liam seemed to catch sight of when they walked back in. He swept it under the rug, and Louis smiled thankfully at him.

 

"So, uh, we got you some stuff." Niall stammered, letting Liam reach into the bag to retrieve his item.

 

"I got you a bear of yourself! See, it has a little wig and a striped shirt. Cute, innit?" He grinned, shoving it gently at Louis so he could cuddle it. 

 

"Aw, Li, it's so sexy." Louis laughed, making everyone laugh along with him. Louis naturally caused that effect- he was the life of everyone's day.  _What the hell were they going to do without that?_  

 

"My gift is the best, obviously, I mean, it's from me," Niall rejoiced, wiping off the present with his shirt and holding it up to face the other boys. "It's Louis' favourite picture of all of us. I know it's his favourite because last year at my Christmas party I had it set as my laptop backround and he commented on how much he liked it. And I knew he wasn't lying because he only had two drinks so far, so he was at the honest-drunk stage-" 

 

"Leave it to Niall to know the stages of drunk." Louis interrupted, making the whole room full of laughter. 

 

"Yeah, and leave it to Lou to interrupt his own gift ceremony," The laughter continued with that, and Niall smiled proudly. "Anyways, though, I think the picture means a lot." 

 

Everyone studied the picture in the silver frame, smiling. It was all five of them on the beach two years ago for Zayn's nineteenth birthday. His sister had picked up Niall's camera and snapped the picture at the perfect moment. All five of them were running towards her, smiling, sand being thrown up around them, and Louis almost falling on his arse. They all looked so happy, and life seemed so easy back then. Louis really did love that picture. 

 

"T-thank you, Niall, so much. Yeah, I can't believe you remembered that," Louis snickered, turning the frame over in his hands and admiring the picture. "I love it. I wish I could stare at it forever."

 

The room kept quiet after that, the only noise from Zayn as he pulled his gift from the bag. There was no forever with Louis anymore.

 

"I made you something," Zayn said, sturggling a bit to hold the heavy canvas up. He turned it towards Lou, and Harry's mouth fell open.

 

It was black and grey, though it seemed to be popping with colour, and the confident smile Zayn had plastered on his lips served that painting justice. It wasn't just a picture, it was a  _feeling_.

 

It was Harry, walking on the sidewalk, looking to his left and you could tell he had been crying. On his side, was Louis- but the way Zayn painted him made him blurry and  _fading away._ Harry ran out of the room, and Liam called after him, swiftly on his feet and out the door. Niall put his head in his hands, ruffling his hair. Zayn's smile dropped, and so did the painting, which he punched and kicked all different sized holes into. Louis screamed at him to stop, but he was relentless. Something painted so beautiful brought such an ugly feeling, that suddenly hit Zayn like a brick.

 

Louis didn't know he was sobbing until Zayn stopped punching and Niall was screaming  _look at what you're doing to Lou!_  Niall cradled Louis' head and rocked him back and forth slowly, until Harry and Liam came storming back in.

 

"I-I'm so sorry, Lou, this wasn't what I wanted the reaction to be. I didn't mean to-"

 

"Zayn, its fine. It was a beautiful picture, you know how talented I think you are," Louis sniffled, smiling through his tears- something he did that he hoped the other boys would learn to do.

 

"I'm not mad, Z. It was just sudden is all." Harry explained, rubbing at his sleeved arms.

 

"It needed to be seen sooner or later," Louis said, making Harry gulp and a new wave of tears wash over Liam.

 

"I think we should all stick to later." Niall piped up, making everyone choke out a laugh.

 

"Well, I'm getting pretty tired mates." Louis stretched, so deeply craving sleep all of a sudden.  _Fuck you, cancer._

_  
_ "See you tomorrow?" Zayn asked, scooping up the remains of his crumpled painting and giving Louis an extra tight hug for some reason.

 

"I count on it," Louis breathed, hugging Liam and Niall as well. He whispered something in Niall's ear Harry didn't quite catch, but Harry smiled at Louis all the same and kissed him a little longer than usual.

 

Harry told everyone he would be down at the car and they all nodded before he left the room. 

 

"What's up, Lou?" Niall inquired, confused about why they were asked to stay without Harry. Louis frowned, and the boys each felt their hearts dropped. They had a feeling they knew what was about to come.

 

"It's gonna happen soon, boys. I can feel it." Liam's lip quivered a few seconds before the tears came, and Zayn enveloped him into his arms.

 

"How soon?" Liam asked, even  _his_  voice wavering a little.

 

"Days."

 

"Oh god," Niall muttered, sitting down before he fell and placing his face into his palms.

 

"O-okay, but it hasn't happend yet, so everybody calm down. What do you want us to do, Louis?" Zayn asked sweetly, encasing Louis' hand with his. Louis gave him a weak smile, but his eyes filled with tears.

 

"I just wanted to tell you guys some things without Harry around. He wouldn't be able to handle it." Louis took a deep breath, before tilting his head at Zayn, smiling with a closed mouth.

 

"Zayn, Zayn, Zayn. I just need you to promise me to keep these boys in line, okay? No drugs, no drinking too much, no punching any more artwork. Take my place as the older fella, alright mate? I love you, bro, so fucking much. Keep the Mystery Machine ace for me, and clean the paint off your hands every once in a while, please? You're gonna give yourself ink poisoning or some shit like that, and the last thing anyone needs is someone else getting sick. I'm gonna miss you spraying color all over my life everyday, man." Zayn finally let himself cry, and engulfed Louis into the manliest hug he could muster, which wasn't very manly at all- but who gave a shit. This was the last time he would get to  _touch_  Louis.

 

"Liam, you idiot. Just, uh, take care of yourself, okay? It's all I really ask. You think I don't notice the lack of light in your eyes? You barely look young anymore, man. Go tell that brown haired girl that you love her already. Don't kick too much ass at video games; just 'cause I'm dead doesn't mean I can't feel shame. I'm going to miss you so much, Li. Make yourself a bear and put it next to mine, but make yours look cooler. Give it a wicked haircut and a tuxedo, make it James Bond!" Liam laughed, but he wasn't even fucking happy.  

 

"I love you, Liam." Louis said, making him sob even harder into Zayn's chest, shaking the skinny boy like an earthquake.

 

"And finally, carefree little Niall. Oi mate, don't forget me okay?"

 

"I couldn't if I tried," Niall smiled, pointing to the frame.

 

"No matter what, never stop laughing. Keep these guys lighthearted, make jokes, laugh, all that stuff you're so good at.  _Fuck,_  I'm really gonna miss your stupid arse. All your stupid arses. I just- I really don't want things to be weird once I'm not around, you know? Like, don't stop hanging out-  _please_ , in my honor, stay friends forever. Forever was taken away from me, but you guys have a shot at it-  _do it for me_. And, gosh, take care of  _him_. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, and let him know it's okay to find someone new. Just make sure he smiles. He has such a beautiful smile, I don't want to take it away. That goes for all of you. I love you guys, god, I really fucking do." 

 

All four boys wiped the pools of tears off their cheeks, only to have new ones slip out anyways. 

 

"Please don't leave, Lou," Niall choked out in a broken voice. "Fucking cancer, it's killin' me."

 

"You and me both." Louis said, half-jokingly. Niall snickered anyway.

 

"If you ever need me, just, uh, I don't know. Look up?"

 

They all hugged Louis once more, wetting his hair with tears, before lingering by the doorway. As if they planned it, in perfect sync, all three boys looked up, leaving Louis a helpless, sobbing, dying boy with a life that was supposed to be so fulfilled one day. He could only hope the other lads could carry it on for him. That truly was his dying wish.

 

                                                                                                         _________________________________

 

Okay, things are worse. Breathing in and out feels like running ten miles in five feet of snow, and each morning he wakes up with another chip of himself gone. Harry doesn't smell like home anymore, or maybe he does, and it's himself that can't remember. Things could still be worse even at their worst.

 

The time is 10:58 when Harry was lying with Louis and he suddenly didn't feel the familiar heartbeat he lived for. Harry jolted up, staring at Louis with glossy eyes. His head was beginning to lull to the left, and Harry grabbed him by the chin to steady him. His fingers shook so bad he wondered if they were having an earthquake or if it was just him. 

 

"Louis, no, no,  _come on,_ " Harry choked, his voice catching and stuttering like the sound of the polaroid echoing through his brain. His eyes watered and he was blinking feverishly. One blink- he could see Louis laughing, throwing grapes at him just to see them bounce off his nose. Another blink- the softened crinkles by his lips and eyes when he slept, his boy not looking so beaten. Blink again- the tears subsided, the camera stopped clicking, he saw Louis but he didn't. He saw nothing but blue looking up at him through small slits. 

 

"Harry... it's okay..." Louis whispered, sucking in some of his lasts.

 

 _"Louis,"_ Harry screamed through gritted teeth. _"You can't leave, god dammit, not here. Whatever you're seeing don't go to it, just look at me, okay?"_

 

"I love you," Louis said, his voice nearly gone from his body. "For all the time in the world."

 

"Look at me- fuck, _look_ Louis!" Harry steadied Louis' head again, aligning his eyes right into his. "Just look at me, and you'll come back. _Come back, come back, come back_."

 

"I'm... looking," Louis heaved. "And... I'm.. home."

 

Louis clicked, and Harry shuttered, and a team of scrubs came rushing in. 

 

                                                                                                              __________________________________

 

It was hours later when Harry found the courage to call the boys. He dialed Liam, but couldn't make out any words. He just stood there, choking into the reciever until Liam assured him they were coming. Harry couldn't process his words. He dragged himself back into Louis' now empty hospital room and tucked himself into the bed with the same pillow Louis' head was laying upon just a few hours ago. Louis, just a few hours ago. He shut his eyes. Louis. 

  

Niall, Zayn, and Liam arrived and all hesitantly walked towards Harry, finding a spot on the bed. Someone grabbed the picture off the table.

 

"He was so happy that day." Zayn whispered. It was too cold in the room. Harry had counted all 78 fluorescent lights on this hospital floor, pacing back and forth during Louis' operations and chemo's. He sat, and tried to remember light. 

 

"Yeah," Liam exhaled, his voice raspy. "Now too, I hope."

 

"Here." Niall mumbled, handing Harry a piece of paper with a shaky hand. "He wrote you something."

 

He weighed it in his fingers for a few seconds, before sliding his fingers along the edges, lifting up the flap and dragging out a piece of notebook paper. It smelled like his hands, which smelt like Harry's shampoo. 

 

_"Harry,_

 

_I had operation number three today, but that's not what this is about. I think I saw it, whatever 'it' is. Heaven, dreamland, big pearly gates guarded by naked little boys, I don't know. I remember two things: waking up and being told that I almost didn't make it- that my vitals dropped at one point and I was technically pronounced dead for a few seconds, and the things I saw just a few minutes before. Everything was green at first, but then I could start to make things out. I don't know much about childhood, and I probably couldn't pick out 'family' in a police lineup, but I know that green fades into something- and wow, it was something. I looked right into that emerald, and I could see a white picket fence with a wrap around porch staring back at me, and every time you smiled I could see two kids rolling around in the front lawn, and your laugh- a dog barking around in fresh Christmas snow._

 

_I could see you smelling like warm apple pies because I had a hard week at work and you knew, you knew apple was my favorite, especially the parts smeared on your chin. Maybe I've never had one but I know what home feels like because I got to look at you every single one of my last days, and god, that big oak tree tire swing was swinging back and forth and back and forth. I don't know how I went, and I can't say you'll be with me when I go, but I know that whatever I see- Harry, wherever I go, it will be to a door mat that says welcome home._

 

_And that's where I'll be waiting._

 

_Louis."_

 

 

He slipped the paper back into the envelope, hugged it to his stomach, and he could hear the boys saying his name. He hadn't realized his eyes were closed until he opened them again, slowly, testing the waters. He began to make out his boys reaching their hands out to him, pulling him to them like the waves to the shoreline.

 

And everything was blue. 


End file.
